


Kiss The Bucket

by Anticipatio



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Also unrelated to the kissing, Drunkenness, First Kiss, Humor, Kissing, M/M, Magic, Mild Language, Minor Body Horror, Minor Violence, Nerds being dorks, Party, Pet Names, Romance, They say cusses sometimes, Unrelated to the kissing though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-08-08 16:55:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7765843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anticipatio/pseuds/Anticipatio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was silly and childish to think that Death Himself of all people would give Taako a second glance, especially after they interfered in his work, but there were so many little things that would lead Taako to think that maybe, just maybe, he would have a chance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Do Elves Get Hangovers? They Don't Even Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> Consider: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_expressions_related_to_death but all of them are pickup lines instead.

It wasn’t long after the mission at Lucas’s lab that Taako decided to throw a little get-together. There were some things they had seen that could only be eased with a little hair of dog. He would gladly admit to being the instigator of the party so long as the screams of Legion would be scrubbed clean from his mind.

Besides, he could put his cooking skills to good use again.

Killian dropped a crate of green, corked bottles—probably the cheap booze the crew partook in when Avi was feeling particularly selfish—onto the table, followed by a hefty, clear bottle filled with an ominous black liquid that splashed against the top of the glass, revealing a fine grit in the translucent film that took entirely too long to drain back into the swill.

“Weren’t you saving that?” Carey asked, peering up at her through the glass.

“Did you think I’d wait forever to drink it?” Killian huffed, “I mean, it’s not like it’s _rare,_ just served on special occasions. Speaking of which—,” she turned to face Magnus on the armchair and Merle leaning up against its side, “—do you guys have any glasses around here?”

“Got some in the kitchen,” Merle grunted from the floor besides Magnus in the armchair, motioning his head to the kitchenette where Taako puttered around to make, in his words, ‘something better than a bowl of shitty chips or peanuts or something.’

“Get them yourselves! I’m not your goddamn mother,” the elf in question snapped, tilting the skillet he attended to and prodding the final bacon-wrapped-somethings sizzling and popping in the oil that pooled up.

Magnus sat up straight and glared at him. “They’re _guests—,_ ” he started, but Carey’s barking laugh cut him off. “It’s cool!” she chuckled, “He’s got his hands full with that... everything.”

“You’re damn right,” Taako grumbled, though the effect of his stone-cold authority in the kitchen was lost when he shuffled politely to the side to allow NO. 3113 passage.

She paused her mug retrieval to analyze the off white concoction boiling in the final saucepan, her sensors blipping technobabble across her field of vision. “Lookin’ good, Taako!” she chirped, zipping back to the common area and lining the cups up across the table.

“So,” Killian started, pouring a few tablespoons of the liquid into each mug, “This is some genuine orc wine—”

“Wine?!” Merle whimpered, grimacing openly at the eldritch fluid.

“No, look, trust me,” assured Killian, holding a placating hand up as she took a quick, heavy swig from the bottle itself. She sat down, face split open in a wide, straight-toothed grin, trading the bottle for her own mug. “It’s not like, _party_ party stuff, like it isn’t strong, it’s just good for relaxing!” In a vain attempt to appease the group, she sipped more daintily from her mug.

“It ain’t... really look like it could kill y’all,” NO. 3113 added. Taako set several plates balanced on his arms down on what little empty space was available on the coffee table. He took one long look at the liquor presented to him before discreetly turning to NO. 3113 to mouth, ‘traitor.’

Carey took the first drink without hesitation, humming delightedly against the rim of her cup. Magnus watched her carefully, only taking a sip after a few moments when he deemed it nonlethal. Merle followed, leaving Taako as the last one with a filled mug in front of him.

He tried to chug it quickly, but it was just syrupy enough to coat the back of his tongue and throat as he drank. His senses were overwhelmed by the initial bite of strong alcohol and strength of the _enormous_ amount of vanilla bean permeating through. The aftertaste, however, was pleasantly floral and made him nostalgic for elven kombucha.

That was the moment when it spiraled out of control, really.

Despite being billed as ‘wine’ by Killian, casually lounging on one end of the longest couch in the room and virtually unaffected, the alcohol was more like a strong liquor used for cooking, from Taako’s experience. Still, the lovely aftertaste seemed to draw everyone equally back to the bottle, the crate of swill ignored until the black liquid was completely drained. 

“It’s like,” Carey whined wetly, tears making her reptilian eyes glossy, “Do we even know how many people knew him? Like, he was just _such_ a _nice dude!_ ”

“Save it for the Rights, Carey,” Killian shushed, patting the dragonborn sprawled lazily across her lap. “What’d you guys think?”

“Of Boyland?” Magnus slurred, now draped across his armchair “We didn’t really get to know ‘im.”

“Oh, I know that,” she conceded solemnly, and the three felt as if they might have been missing out on something now that he was gone, “I mean like, the mission in general, y’know?”

Taako snapped out of the alcohol-induced stupor and blurted, “It was _shit._ ”

Everyone turned to stare at him, eyes wide as saucers (save for the relatively sober Killian and Merle). “What’s up, buddy?” Merle asked gently, patting him on the knee gently.

“Like, what, we just got a _horde_ as our final boss?” he ranted, squinting into his bottle at the last remaining drops of beer, “Or was it the card game with Kravitz? Don’t tell me that was it. C’mon, fellas, we’ve definitely done cooler shit than _that._ ”

Killian turned to NO. 3113, hovering closer to her end of the couch, eyebrow quirked in question. The robot waved her off minutely with a silent promise to explain later.

Magnus leaned forward and narrowed his eyes, his own bottle splashing some of the remaining beer onto the rug beneath the group. “So what? You wanted something bigger r’somethin’?” He swiped the last bacon wrapped scallop and haphazardly shoved it in his mouth, chewing slowly in his concentration.

Taako, in a brief moment of sobriety, pulled the toothpick out of Magnus’s mouth mid-chew before he could swallow it. “I mean like, the other guys we fought were like, realized dudes, right?” he murmured, and everyone stared at him quizzically. “I mean we got to know _them_ , like what the meat of the problem was! Motivation, y’know.” He fidgeted the slobbery, half-chewed toothpick in his hands, unaware of NO. 3113’s focus on it and her mechanical shudder as she plucked it away from him and spritzed his palm with some sort of lemony cleaning substance.

“Kravitz was like... I mean, he was a cute guy, don’t get me wrong, but like...” He paused to consider his words, the drunken haze seemingly blocking his speech centers, “What’s his story, y’know? Do you think he was just _made_ or like, was he a regular being before or what? Y’know?”

Merle, Magnus, and Killian shared a glance between themselves (Carey began to snore soundly). The orc bit the bullet and posited, “It kinda sounds you want to get to know him.”

“Huh?” Taako gawked, body language suddenly going stiff and a strange expression crossing his face.

“You, Taako, sound like you like this dude, Kravitz. Maybe even like, _like,_ ” she explained slowly, backed by the nodding of Merle and Magnus.

“What? No! Where’d you get that—”

“Oh my _god_ Taako,” the human drawled, dramatically flopping back into his chair, “You’re _totally_ into him. You _just_ said he was cute! You complimented him to his face back on the mission!”

“That was just a goof guys, you can’t seriously—”

“Yeah, we can,” Merle teased, pointing accusingly at him with his bottle. He took a heavy swig and laughed, “ _Totally_ into him.”

Taako rolled his eyes and scoffed, “Whatever you say, you goddamn drunks—”

“I’m not even tipsy!”

“—but I’m going to bed. Have fun with your hangovers, you sacks of shit.”

Drunkenly, as he slammed his door shut behind him, he still thought he could trance for a few hours and be done with the night. Instead, he blacked out the moment the he reached his bed.

Taako woke up hours later to the smell of strong, human coffee and a mouth as dry as a desert. Whatever fluorescent light was leaking through the gaps in his door seemed as bright as the sun itself, hellbent on burning through his sensitive elven retinas. There was also the issue of some sort of rabid monstrosity churning his insides and the horrific indigestion burning his throat, but he wasn’t sure if he could attribute those to the mustard he used in the cream sauce or the alcohol.

As much as he wanted to stay in bed until the end of the universe itself, the glaring light from the common room was soon going to burn a hole into his brain and, really, that wouldn’t do. So, ever so slowly, Taako slung his legs out from under his tangled blankets and sat up. His day clothes pinched and stuck to his skin, but his desire to snag a cup of Magnus’s fancy coffee outweighed how much more comfortable he’d feel in pajamas.

One of his hands raised, seemingly on its own accord, to shield his eyes while he glanced around the room and at the clock. It was too late in the day cycle to justify preparing any coffee, especially the human stuff, so whoever was doing must have been just as desperately hungover as he was.

Magnus leaned against the clean-ish countertop, depressing the plunger on their deluxe coffee press steadily. He was hunched over, forehead pressed against the cool granite with his free arm cradling the back of his neck. “You too, huh?” he croaked, and Taako thought he was being rather quiet, but maybe he just underestimated how perceptive, or hungover, Magnus was.

“We need to get a humidifier or something, because I have never wanted to drink an entire lake before, but I guess that’s where we’re at now,” Taako lamented, pulling a pitcher of juice from the fridge and drinking directly from the spout.

“Gross.”

“Humans have more germs in their mouths than elves do. Fun fact for you there, duderoni.”

“Yeah, but they’re like... _different_ germs.”

“Didn’t realize I was talking to a germologist over here,” Taako jeered, draining another solid quart of juice before putting it back in the fridge. “I tried that whole ‘sleeping’ gig you thugs do, by the way. _Not_ impressed.”

“How can you talk to much when you’re hungover, dude?” Magnus grimaced, pouring his coffee, “God, are we sure Kravitz could survive you?”

“I’m telling you, it’s not happening, Mag,” Taako refuted, serving himself a cup with a heavy dash of cream stored somewhere behind the juice.

The human sipped at his, black, humming, “Whatever you say.”


	2. The Prison In Hell Is A Lot Like Office Space, I Think

“Jobs’re usually cleaner than that,” Kraavitz grumbled to Maureen, leading her back into the stockade grounds. With a wave of his hand, pallid but still fleshed out while his temper was still even, the enormous, solid door dropped down to allow entry. “You caused one hell of a ruckus.”

“I didn’t really intend for any of that to happen,” the soul responded quickly, a pale glowing light without its body. “Then again, I hadn’t planned on what would happen should my experiments go horribly, horribly wrong.” Her voice stopped, contemplating, “I should have expected it’d be dangerous.”

“Yeah, well,” Kravitz replied, making a vague gesture as they crossed the drawbridge. It sealed up behind them, locked tight with dense beams of ethereal wood that seemed to lock in place on their own accord.

“You know where to go, yeah?” he asked, pointing a thumb over his shoulder, “Got some business to take care of in my office.”

“Yes, thank you,” Maureen whispered, a sad sort of sound that Kravitz was used to hearing by now. He moved to brush her away, but the slight glow of her spirit was already long gone. It wasn’t anything personal, he knew; every soul wanted away from him as fast as possible, as if they could forget their own demise. As if they could forget the circumstances that led them to that point.

He’d allow himself to feel pity for them if it wasn’t something he’d seen over and over and over and...

This time was a little different though, wasn’t it? He let his thoughts wander while he sauntered down the halls. The three adventurers were his largest bounties to date and he wasn’t able to bring them back. Perhaps his honest nature was getting the better of him these days, but he _did_ promise to let them go in exchange for saving his bacon. Even if it meant bending the rules of life and death to their breaking point, he couldn’t really go back on his word without feeling _immensely_ guilty.

It was one of the flawed, mortal traits he would never really change, even as time progressed (even though it didn’t really _go_ at the same pace here as it did in other planes).

Even so, it was _really_ hard to negotiate with Kravitz. There were vast spaces of time in the mortal world between deals filled with unfortunate beings pleading unsuccessfully for their mortal souls. He pulled out his journal of tallies, flipping through the (infinite) pages and squinting down at the tiny note scribbled onto a loose scrap of notebook paper that marked the previous time a mortal negotiated with him, before the fiasco with Maureen and her son. The date wasn’t marked with a standard Elven calendar year.

A wailing, tortured spirit screamed behind him when he passed to open a familiar wooden door.

He flipped back to the page covering Taako, Merle, and Magnus and sat at his desk. Seeing their numerous tally marks made him squirm anxiously, the urge to just collect their bounty and get it over with _very_ tempting with the upcoming quarterly review. Kravitz spun around momentarily and turned on the desk fan perched precariously on the bookshelf behind him.

He narrowed large, unblinking eyes at the three wanted posters jittering from underneath his embossed nameplate. Taako’s still image stared back at him with squinting eyes and a wide, carefree smile that hid how incredibly dangerous he actually was.

_“You know, I will say, if you wanted to lure me in there, you should have stayed handsome, my fellow!”_

He curled his knees up to his chest, frowning deeply at the words singing through his head. It should have been nothing; others had tried coming onto him in a desperate bid for their lives, but something about the situation made this time so much different.

Kravitz was usually good at maintaining his composure, but things just kept _happening_ in the lab of Maureen’s son. His largest bounties just _walked up to him_ and then proceeded to destroy every body he possessed. To top it all off, they _taunted_ him as if he weren’t the bringer of death himself, and if there was one thing that really got to Kravitz, it was being seen as nothing more than a _pest_.

Or, in Taako’s case, a potential boy toy.

_That_ was an interesting train of thought. Many of the mortals who had tried to seduce him out of their demises tried to be at _his_ beck and call. Anything _he_ wanted, even if it was at their own expense. This, however, wasn’t something he came across nearly as often. Especially after he’d lost his cool and gone full skeletal.

He was probably giving it too much thought. After all, Taako also threatened to turn him into tentacle porn.

At least, he thought it was a threat. He hoped it was a threat.

(He _kind of_ secretly hoped it was a promise. It was a very embarrassing hope that he would keep to himself all the way to the end of his existence.)

There was a polite knock at his door, and judging by the falsetto hum emanating from the other side, Brian (Bryan? No, it was probably Brian. He’d stick to Brian) had once again decided to pay him a visit.

One of the very few souls to not be terrified by his very presence.

“Come in,” Kravitz gruffed, settling back into a more demanding, apathetic posture out of habit.

“So I was looking for some input—” It was going to be nearly impossible to get him to stop talking. “—do you think that there’s some fucked up guiding force behind those idiots? I was one of the _best_ **KRRZ** in **KRRRRRZ** —” The best Seeker and the Bureau of Balance respectively, the selectively omniscient portion of Kravitz’s mind supplemented helpfully, “—and they just throw me into a pit like it wasn’t a big deal! They killed _Bryan_ and they killed _three of us_ stuffed inside of a _robot body!_ ”

“I know,” Kravitz drawled, “But I’m tellin’ ya, they’re fallible enough to have the highest bounty I ever encountered on their heads.”

“And yet they got away from you, hmm?”

“For now,” the reaper mumbled, “But I’ll get ‘em the next time they slip up.”

“Unless you take pity on them again,” Brian sassed. He didn’t need a mortal body to practically drip campy charisma. “At this rate, I’ll never get to settle my feud with Taako.”

“I think that was decided when he killed you.”

“He stole the kill from _Magnus_ , dear,” he very seriously corrected, “But I’m still not entirely sure Taako is even a competent wizard on his own. I intend to prove to him what it means to be a _real_ spellcaster.”

Something about that sparked jealousy within Kravitz and he didn’t even know _why_. “What makes you think that, then?”

“ _Please!_ He couldn’t even cast a competent magic missile when we first met!”

He cocked his head to the side, feigning indifference. “Dunno, looked to me like he had his wizarding shit all in order.”

“We’ll see,” Brian’s soul ominously concluded, exiting (strutting most likely, if he had a body) and leaving Kravitz with his thoughts once more.

Judging by the butterflies in his stomach, he was in a _lot_ of trouble.


	3. Imagine A Dragon Hoard Except The Hoard Sucks, That's A Gremlin Hoard

There wasn’t a particular reason he liked to rifle through everyone’s garbage at the Bureau. In any other scenario, Taako could hock off whatever valuables he found and make a pretty penny, but the kinds of things stored in the various warehouse domes across the campus weren’t particularly valuable down on the ground, nor could he sell it off to Fantasy Costco since they kept tabs on every transaction. Someone would be bound to report their stolen item and there would be a long paper trail back to his ass.

He probably did it because he was some horrible, hoarding gremlin. Metaphorically speaking.

Several days had passed since the impromptu party, and very little happened since then. Work for the Reclaimers only ever came up when there was a lead, so the three mostly busied themselves sparring, reading, or, in Taako’s case, pilfering other people’s shit and building a collection of worthless junk.

A crew member dressed in inconspicuous robes and half-moon eyeglasses froze from down the hall, staring at him with starry-eyes as he turned the corner. They waffled as he approached, swaying in place as they decided whether or not they were brave enough to approach him, before rushing past. “E-excuse me sir!”

Good.

He abruptly spun on his heel and doubled back to a door he’d been scoping out.

Taako deduced early on that this was some sort of temporary storage. Occasionally, workers from Fantasy Costco came in to take stock, but there was no light leaking out from the underside of the heavy metal door today. Of course, that also meant it was locked.

There was a **pop** when he blinked out of the plane. As there sometimes was, a horde of eyes stared at him with deep, unfettered glares for a split second when he appeared in the ethereal plane. It didn’t really bother him anymore.

Matter seemed to snap around him when he blinked back into the material plane. There was a brief feeling of being compressed that knocked the wind out of him, but he didn’t allow himself to catch his breath before going to work. Taako smiled pleasantly and immediately began to rifle through the first crate that came into view.

A few familiar items came up through his dig, including Angus’s silverware set (he didn’t acknowledge it) and Magnus’s breastplate (still smelling coppery with his blood). A small, innocuous pouch came up when he pushed aside a stack of old spellbooks some other wizard or another must have sold off. It jingled in his grasp and shimmered when he opened it up, revealing the shards of broken gems Magnus pilfered from Lucas.

Indeed, they were mostly shattered or defective, revealing nothing but his own reflection in their glistening faces. A bit of amethyst caught his eye, larger than some of the other gems and distorted looking in the refracted light bouncing off of the other stones. He furrowed his brow and fished it out.

It was indeed a flawless amethyst, but very, very small in comparison to the large mirror they faced on the mission. In the hurricane of Lucas’s room, he must have thrown it away despite its obvious perfection, and some small, empathetic bit of Taako wondered if Lucas would watch his mother from this palm-sized jewel.

He quashed the thought quickly and grinned manically.

Taako filched it before the small reflection could captivate him and kicked away the various other junk he tossed hither and yonder. He blinked out of the room as quickly and quietly as he could, excitement bubbling in his stomach over the find. It was difficult to amble casually back to his room when he could feel the cool amethyst against the hand stuck deep in his pocket.

He could hear Magnus yelling incoherently on his way back, Carey’s teasing laughter following. Further ahead some ways, he passed by a lounge where Merle and the Director (Lucretia, he reminded himself with a slight chuckle) could be heard talking airily about recent rumblings from planetside. Merle supplemented something in a gruff chuckle to be met with a loud but amused sigh.

So Taako had the room to himself.

As soon as the door to his room was shut and he settled into his bunk, he pulled his treasure out and stared deep into it.

The reflection of Kravitz fussed and shuffled through several piles of paperwork sprawled across his mahogany desk. Based on the names neatly printed in bold across the forms, he had to deal with thwarting Brian’s latest escape attempt (a desperate bid for power seemed to be his plan for everything in life and death) on top of the abnormal amount of reports he had to file for the kerfuffle with Maureen’s escape. He was frazzled enough for his face to go slightly gaunt, his sharper features casting handsome shadows over his face.

If the whole “living” thing didn’t work out, at least Taako had something to look forward to in the astral plane.

There were a few more moments of shuffling and stacking a seemingly endless slew of forms before Kravitz collapsed unceremoniously back into his plush office chair. He pulled the hood off from his head and tugged his dark hair out of the short, messy ponytail. Taako didn’t hear himself hum when he watched Kravitz finger-comb through his wavy locks and pull up a tidier ponytail. The action seemed to center him, if the healthier fullness of his face and easier posture were good indicators. 

The wave of relief that washed warm over Taako was simultaneously interesting and confusing.

He lurched up when Magnus loudly entered the common room, slamming the door behind him with strength he had a hard time controlling. Taako wavered before deciding to flop out of his bed and meet the human. It would be suspicious for him to be holed up in his quarters when he kept anything of interest out in the lounge. It wasn’t like he was _sleeping._ “‘Sup, my man?”

Magnus looked visibly startled and spun around, the shared pitcher of juice halfway up to his mouth. Taako squinted at him and put his hands on his hips. “So it’s gross if _I_ do it?” he griped.

“Merle too,” murmured Magnus in response, nonetheless digging a clean mug from a cabinet.

Taako leaned into the breakfast nook, giving the other the most fake innocent look he could muster. “So,” he started slowly, “I heard you and Carey training.”

Magnus finished pouring his drink and stared into the mug with a pout. “Do you just spy on us when we’re not around to babysit you?”

“Please,” Taako scoffed, “You’re not the only one honing your skills all day, buckaroo.”

“ _Stealing_ people’s _shit_ isn’t a skill if you’re just taking stuff when nobody’s around, Taako!”

“You have no proof of that.”

“Some kid told me that he saw you blink in front of Fantasy Costco’s warehouse.”

Traitor. Taako stuffed both of his hands into his pockets.

“There wasn’t anything interesting in there anyway,” he lied, rubbing his fingers against the smooth face of the amethyst, “Though I’m pretty sure Garfield hammered the nipples out of your old chestplate.”

“That fucking _liar!_ ”


	4. Please Stop Bullying This Small Child, He Just Wants To Snoop

He sometimes forgot that the umbra staff’s power wasn’t really well known, even to powerful artificers like Leon. It was laid out on the common room’s coffee table as Taako carefully examined the magical channels that passed invisibly through the entirety of the staff. Frustratingly, everything seemed to be in working order; whatever caused it to cast scorching ray on its own accord was either external or something inherent about the staff itself, and neither of those things could be easily seen.

If only they could talk to the umbra wizard they’d looted it off of. “Well,” he whispered quietly, reaching into his pocket and delicately dropping the thin, circular gemstone on the tabletop. He could probably _see_ the wizard through the lens, but there was no real way of communicating now that didn’t involve necromancy.

Kravitz’s visage was being shown again. He seemed to spend most of his time doing some sort of paperwork, and this time was no different. The wheels of bureaucracy seemed just as slow and monotonous in the astral plane as it was in the material plane, but he never seemed too bored. He was quickly glancing in between his open book and several papers held up, examining them closely. Taako wondered if he enjoyed the job. Maybe he simply worked hard because he was a hard worker.

That was a surprisingly charming thought.

He hunched further over the small mirror, shielding it from the glaring light that seemed almost constant on the moon base.

There was a pause as Kravitz furiously scribbled in his book, the writing too messy and distant to make out. From what he’s seen so far, though, Taako figured his writing was something like some hellish mixture of a doctor’s near-illegible script and an engineer’s all-caps scratch.

A fitting writing style for the grim reaper.

“What’s that?” a high voice chirped. Taako yelped and jerked back, tripping over his own feet and tumbling onto his butt. The owner of the voice, rather short and dapper looking as always, looked at him with a mixture of concern and curiosity.

“I’m sorry for interrupting you, sir,” Angus weakly apologized, “But I wanted to know if you...”

His gaze drifted with his voice, settling on the small, perfect amethyst Taako was previously ogling. As much as he joked, Taako knew that the boy detective was in no means unintelligent. He must have read the report on the mission at Lucas’s lab in triplicate, poring over every detail that could possibly be relevant in the future. Taako watched in horror as Angus’s eyes went bug-eyed and he scooped up the stolen trinket, as if to protect his elder from whatever danger it might cause.

“Sir?!” he shrieked, “What are you doing? Where did you get this?!”

“I-it’s not actually dangero—”

“We don’t know enough about these!” He raved, concerned tears welling up in his eyes, “I-it could be possessing you, o-or we could be in danger i-if something came through!”

“Ango,” Taako said slowly, holding his hands out calmly, “It’s fine. I was just... looking at something.”

“D-do any of the others know about this?”

Taako stared at him lamely. “Uh... well, no, but—”

“Know about what?” Magnus inquired innocently, toweling the sweat from his forehead as he pushed open the door.

Taako shrunk in his spot on the floor, grumbling, “Great, cool day.”

Angus practically tripped over himself stumbling to the other human, juggling the gem in his hand as he screeched to a stop inches away from running head-first into Magnus’ belly. “H-he had this a-and we don’t _know—!_ ”

Magnus glanced around the room for a moment, as if assessing for any obvious danger, before focusing back on Angus and plucking the jewel from his hand. He examined it briefly, declaring, “Now, Agnes, I’m sure Taako has a very good reason for having this.”

“My name is—”

“Having what?” Merle rasped, peeking his head out from his room. His eyes instantly locked onto the amethyst. “Taako...” he started slowly, shuffling out fully into the common room.

“Look,” Taako begun, shifting himself back up onto the couch in front of his captive audience. “I was poking around and found the bag of gems you found in Lucas’s room, Magnus.” The human in question nodded and motioned for him to continue. “I found that—,” he pointed at the gem, “—in the bag. I guess we didn’t really think to look too hard, huh?” He chuckled humorlessly, fidgeting. “I guess I just thought, y’know, no harm if I take something no one else really understands, right?”

“What were you looking at, though?” Angus pressed, meek posture straightening as he seemingly transformed into ‘boy detective’ mode.

Taako wringed his hands together. “That—”

“Kravitz, right?” Merle guessed. He laughed at Taako’s scandalized expression, “That’s the only reason _you_ of all people would keep that around!”

Angus looked at the dwarf, confused. “Why would he want to watch _that_ guy?”

Magnus shared a look with Merle, amused. He took the smaller human by the shoulders and guided him out, “We’ll tell you when you’re older.”

“But I—”

“This is adult talkey time now—”

“What? Hold o—” The door slammed shut, leaving Tres Horny Boys alone.

Magnus was practically grinning from ear to ear. “So we thought about it—”

“’We’? Have you guys been talking about this shit behind my back? I swear to god—,” Taako interrupted.

Merle continued for Magnus, “—and we _totally_ think you should get together with Kravitz.”

Taako held his head in his hands and sighed dramatically through his nose. “So what, this is when you guys finally off me?” he lamented.

“Are you—? No! What?” Magnus sputtered. “We’re not going to _kill you_ just to set you up on a date with the grim reaper!”

Merle stood by Magnus and patted his side. “We can’t be the first ones to want to like, summon him or something right?”

Taako looked up at him strangely, “That’s, like, necromancy.”

“I _mean,_ ” the dwarf huffed back, “There might be some ritual or circle-drawn-with-chalk shit we can do!”

“I _still_ think that’s necromancy.”

“I just got the living grimoire thing!” he protested, “As long as we can find something we can use written down somewhere, we can just cast it with the grimoire. No harm!”

“ _That,_ ” Magnus intruded, “Is a fantastic idea! Let’s make this happen, boyos!”

Taako grimaced and stood up. “As long as you fuckers aren’t going to kill me.”


	5. Shhhhhh! It's A Library, You're Plotting Your Undead Army Too Loud!

It was extremely rare to see all three Reclaimers in the library dome together. Individually, they all had their reasons for being there: Taako would skim whatever wizardly and/or pastry-related publications were available, Magnus would check out puzzle books and take an exorbitant amount of time to complete them, and Merle could never turn away religious scriptures related to Pan.

They were a strange motley crew with almost nothing in common but their shared stupidity, but that seemed to be enough to bond over.

Even with the Bureau’s collection of books restricted planetside, there was, as to be expected, very little solid information regarding necromantic rituals. Much of what they could find detailed _what_ necromancers did, but not necessarily _how._ It wasn’t like there was a thriving market for peer-reviewed necromancy spellbooks.

“This isn’t going to work,” Taako complained, drumming his fingers loudly against the open page of the book he was stuck in front of. “I don’t know why you guys are obsessed with this, either!”

“You could just, like, leave,” Magnus pointed out, pushing his comically dainty reading glasses up on his nose.

The elf fidgeted in his seat and went back to studying intently, earning a small laugh from the boys on each side of him and some playful elbowing.

The amethyst weighed heavily in his robes now, a source of anxiety and, if he were honest with his feelings, excitement. He wasn’t exactly _shy_ about his sexuality, but being set up with a divine being was just on the edge of his comfort zone.

(The only reason it didn’t send klaxons screaming in his head was probably because he had a short fling with a handsome aasimar back when he still had the cooking show gig. This wasn’t _that_ much crazier.)

Still, this was a nice respite from the whirlwind of the last few months (The last year? _Years?_ Having a long lifespan did weird things to the passage of time). Taako wasn’t entirely sure how the Bureau dealt with people who dabbled in necromancy, but he figured it wouldn’t be too much trouble if _technically_ it was a living book that did the work.

These were the kinds of things he thought about, even as his sensitive ears picked up the sound of the door opening and closing. It was probably another wizard looking for some cool stunts they could do on their next mission, he reasoned. The still air behind them shifted, but that was probably just the librarian checking that the books were in order. It wasn’t until a shadow was cast over their table that he bothered to look up, only to be meet the commanding gaze of Madam Director.

“Ah, shit,” he breathed out, not even bothering to shut his book or deny any involvement.

The Director smiled calmly, but not without authority, and said, “I heard the most fascinating rumor about you, Taako.” She stood up straight and nodded a slight greeting to Magnus and Merle, who looked equally resigned to their fates. “A little birdy told me that you were in possession of something of... _dubious_ origins.” She glanced at his robe as if she could see through the layers of fabric at the mirror tucked into his inside pocket.

“I’m going to kill that boy,” Merle fumed under his breath.

“Did you think I wouldn’t find out anyway?”

They answered with silence.

“That’s what I thought,” she retorted. “I’m not here to punish you, but I _would_ like to be made aware of what you intend to use it for.”

“Well,” Taako said slowly, “I was just—”

“If the next thing out of your mouth is a lie, I swear to god—”

Magnus took his glasses off and held them between two meaty fingers. “Look, Director,” he started, gesturing with his free hand, “We’re not going to bullshit you here.” He sent a pointed look at Taako. “He was just making goo-goo eyes at Kravitz is all. We’re not plotting another nefarious spectral prison escape, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

The elf shuffled in his seat and hid behind his book. From over the top of his book, the Director could see the tips of his ears go pink. There was a moment of silence while she seemed to stared at him through the book, and frankly, he was thoroughly embarrassed enough to just consider resigning and living his life as a hermit.

“Well, you’re not looking in the right place.”

His entire face, tips of his ears included, went fire engine red. He silently cursed elven anatomy for thin skin.

“Kravitz isn’t _undead_ , he’s just an extra-planar being,” she explained, pulling up a seat from the next table over. She sat primly and pulled the book down from where Taako shielded himself. “Pay attention, Taako. It involves transmutation magic.” She waved over the librarian, who bowed respectfully, and requested, “There was a book seized at Lucas’s laboratory. The only one with an unknown author and no title, where is it?”

With a flick of her wand, the elven librarian summoned the worn, creased book with a **snap** that shattered the serene atmosphere. “Here you go, Miss Director. Is there anything else you need?”

“Thank you, Ameli. That’s all.”

She bowed once again and escaped back to her desk. If the Director saw how nervous Ameli was during the exchange, she didn’t comment.

She licked her thumb and deftly flipped through the pages, yellowed with age and printed in an ink that had long since begun to fade. There were diagrams of intricate runes drawn by hand and theoretical equations penned into the margins messily. She stopped on a page full of writing and slid the book over to Taako. The other two huddled to his side to peer at its contents.

“This could be dangerous in the wrong hands,” she warned, “But I trust you boys well enough to use this responsibly.”

“You don’t really know us very well, do you?” Merle blurted, skimming the page presented to them. It made him dizzy.

Lucretia laughed, restrained but warm. She looked over the three of them fondly, standing up and politely pushing her chair back into its original location. “I just have one request: Please have your little date off of the moon base, will you? I don’t want to be around if something goes wrong. Tell me how it goes, though.”

Taako’s face felt hot, and he had to swat Magnus’s hand away as the human tried to touch the blush high on his cheek.


	6. I Kiss The Grim Reaper, Shitlips

Avi was curious about their “mission” off of the base, but understanding of the secrecy. “The Regulators usually don’t get to give me any deets, y’know?” He loaded up the coordinates of a secretive clearing in an uninhabited, forested area, flat enough to land the pod without much issue unless someone messed with the balance internally. Again. “I get to hear about everything after it’s happened.”

“Yeah, well,” Taako uttered unsurely, stepping into their transportation, “I can almost guarantee that this’ll be some degree of a disaster.” Merle beamed back from his seat in the front with Taako to Magnus in the back, both practically vibrating.

“Isn’t it always with you Reclaimers?” Avi laughed. He shut the sliding door behind them and gave the boys a jaunty, exaggerated salute as he launched them.

Merle stood from his perch and began fussing with Taako’s hair once they were out of sight, fluffing here and braiding there. Magnus watched them scuffle with amusement, hefting the drawstring sack containing Taako’s notes and spell ingredients onto his lap. It smelled oddly savory, to the point where he wondered if the elf hadn’t also packed them lunch.

“I don’t even think he _cares_ about what I look like,” Taako complained, shouldering the stubborn dwarf in the chest.

Merle didn’t budge. “But _you_ care.”

There wasn’t a peep from them for the rest of the ride. There was only the soft shuffling of hair being styled and the dampened rush of air as they sailed over the crystal clear ocean that sped by below their feet, untouched by the crystal menace.

Taako yanked the lever in front of him while Merle tied on end fishtail braid off, the design he finally decided would be sufficient for _whatever_ this would end up being. The cabin collided with the soft earth, the landing causing them to rattle but otherwise uneventful for once. They filed out, Magnus the last to exit with a tall stretch.

He spun around and dropped the bag into Taako’s arms, wide grin still present. “Alright Taako,” he chirped, “Merle and I are going to take a walk—”

“Wait, what?” Merle interrupted, “I wanted to see—”

“— _and give you two some privacy,_ ” Magnus insisted, pulling the dwarf along with him. “Good luck!” he called back, weaving his way into the forest, dragging the other by the elbow. Taako could hear his steps and Merle’s protests fade into the distance.

He pulled the mirror out from his long coat and watched Kravitz putter around the mundane office he spent most of his time in. Taako would later deny the fond smile that graced his features, but for now, he indulged.

Partially excavated tunnels and holes pocked the ground around him from where the pod disrupted the abandoned nests of countless burrowing creatures, but the land some meters off was left relatively unscathed. He dug the crinkled, loose paper from the pack and lugged the rest of it along with him while he reviewed his notes.

The setup for the spell was far more complicated than he usually found himself doing out on the job, but there was something nostalgic about drawing a vast circle with the dust of gemstones. He hadn’t had the opportunity to try something like this in decades, so there was an understandable excitement bubbling up inside of him.

Half an hour later, and Taako was finally able to sit in the midst of his creation, double checking the seemingly nonsensical placement of objects with his notes. He checked once, twice, and a final third time before pointing his staff at the pile of burnt roots that marked the center of the circle. “I swear to god,” he grumbled to himself, “If you cast scorching ray _one more time—_ ”

A familiar **pop** cut him off, something unseen blinking directly into the roots. The stench of rot overpowered the potpourri littered about as everything within the circle, aside from Taako himself, melted down and began converging at the center. It was unlike anything he’d ever seen, leaving him, for once, speechless.

The figure being formed by the matter cast a shadow over him, quickly taking a rough shape that chiseled itself into familiar features, draped in a black robe over a dapper suit.

Kravitz resisted the temptation to shield his eyes from the bright sunlight that burned spots into his vision. It had been (felt like it had been?) a very long time since someone bothered to materialize him in this plane, and he gave himself an extra moment to luxuriate in the fresh floral scents and birdsongs the world around him had to offer.

“Hey.”

The familiar voice startled him, it being one of the _last_ voices he expected to hear. He stumbled backwards, wheezing, “Are you serious?”

Taako laughed weakly, “Yep, it’s me. Surprise?”

“What could you _possibly_ want?” Kravitz exasperated, rubbing his temples (slightly sunken in), “I’ve already done all of the business I needed to with you three.”

“See, that’s a funny story.”

“I’ve got time.”

There was an awkward silence that stretched between them while Taako stood up and dusted off himself, whining at a carbon that stained his hands and capris black. If he anticipated the reaction it’d cause, he’d have worn darker clothes to mask the byproducts that speckled the previously impeccable fabric from the spell. He considered his words carefully, fidgeting and wringing his hands under Kravitz’s gaze. “I wasn’t kidding, you know,” he admitted finally, steeling himself.

“About?”

“If you wanted to lure me in there, you should have stayed handsome,” he echoed. In that moment, Kravitz’s shoulders squared and his eyes went wide. The skin on his hands and face seemed to stretch tightly over his bones, making him look just a step away from skeletal. Taako distantly wondered if he could blush at all.

(He kind of wanted to find out.)

“T- _That’s_ what this is about?” Kravitz spluttered, “You went through all of this effort just to _flirt_ with me?”

“I mean, you didn’t have to come—”

“You kinda summoned me, I _kinda_ had to.”

“Oh,” Taako sniffed, face dropping with slight disappointment. Being rejected was fine, but he _had_ gone through a lot of effort.

Frazzled, Kravitz held his hands up defensively, “I mean, it’s—I’m here now, and...” He warily swayed in his spot, cradling his face in his hands, “Oh, bother.”

Laughter rang in his ears. He peered through the (admittedly wide) gaps between his fingers and watched Taako. “What’s so funny?” he demanded, “This is _ridiculous._ ”

“ _You’re_ ridiculous,” the elf teased, “Fuckin’ nerd.”

Something childish reared itself somewhere in the reaper, “I am _not!_ ”

Taako bumped his shoulder into Kravitz’s and swung his arm to encompass him. “This _is_ ridiculous, huh?”

Kravitz relaxed into the touch and caged his own hands together, adding, “It’s a weak excuse to take a break, but it’ll do.” He took a seat on the plush carpet of grass beneath them, Taako following him down, and flipped the hood from his head. The sounds of life around him was almost unnatural, considering where he resided most of his days; woodland creatures caused the greenery to shiver as they scuttled unseen through the forest, avoiding the clearing while a hawk hovered overhead.

“So what do people usually _do_ when they summon you?” Taako queried, untangling his hair. The slightest breeze whipped fine strands across his face, glittering under the clear sky.

“Business,” Kravitz replied, “Y’know how it goes. ‘How many zombies can I make before the Raven Queen is after me?’”

He glanced to the side at the sound of Taako’s cackling laughter and realized, at that very moment, that his previous suspicions were entirely correct. He was in a _lot_ of trouble with this one. He didn’t even realize he was staring until Taako leaned in close. He also didn’t process that, instinctively, he shifted forward to meet the other halfway.

Something hot bubbled in his chest, an unfamiliar feeling that urged him to pull Taako closer, who happily reciprocated, crawling gingerly into his lap and lazily hooking his arms over Kravitz’s shoulders as they kissed. He didn’t recall what it felt like to be a teenager (or if he even was one at any point), but the tiny, fickle omniscience in the back of his head told him that yes, the electricity zipping up his spine at each sweet, warm peck was _exactly_ what it felt like to be a teenager. He combed through the other’s loose hair possessively, marveling at the softness.

Taako was content to sprawl cat-like over his prize until the sharp crackle of the forest floor jerked him away from the smooch sesh. Kravitz opened his mouth to say something, confused and dazed, until Taako scooped up his staff and shot a thunderwave into the seemingly-empty bit of forest. The trees groaned and creaked against the sonic boom, somehow rooted firmly enough to survive the onslaught. Two figures, one short and one tall, leaped from their hiding spots behind the swaying trunks in opposing directions into the clearing. “I _told you_ I’d waste a spell slot on you fuckers!” Taako squawked, charging out of the gemstone outline to chase after Magnus and Merle.

Kravitz would have to hash out the details of _whatever_ this was with him. Things could get very complicated very quickly, and neither of them needed to be compromised in their lines of work. A perfectly smooth, round amethyst fell from Taako’s coat and _yep,_ that would be a conversation topic as well.

For now, however, he was at ease watching the (his?) ludicrous elf screech and holler at his equally foolish companions from within his absurdly misused summon circle.


	7. Epilogue: Thinking Of Cute Pet Names Made Me Blush While Writing This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short epilogue because this pairing is too pure and sweet, just like every other pairing in the TAZ universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh, y'all have no idea how excited I was when I saw this wonderful artwork by thenightvaleintern on Tumblr!! Check it out!!!! Omg?????!!!!!
> 
> http://thenightvaleintern.tumblr.com/post/149122706192/if-the-whole-living-thing-didnt-work-out-at
> 
> Y'ALL HOLD UP THERE'S MORE
> 
> http://genikrispies.tumblr.com/post/150382462218/oh-bother-today-i-read-this-absolutely
> 
> I LOVE YOU ALL

Necromancers were both plentiful and, in Kravitz’s opinion, _absolutely insufferable._ The dark stone that made up his current form creaked and groaned with each step, unmatched edges scraping against each other and leaving behind a trail of fine debris in his wake. The door at the other end of the hallway shivered as the elderly man behind it, the man he was after, presumably shoved furniture against it to prevent entry. Kravitz sighed, a sound lost in the midst of his ghastly movements.

The door almost comically fell apart beneath his earthen fist, taking a large chunk of the wall with it. He assimilated the remains into his form, bulking up into a proportion that nearly didn’t fit the study the two found themselves in. Inanimate body parts lined the shelves along the walls, soaking in jars of formaldehyde and glinting eerily in the dim evening light. They shivered almost imperceptibly in the presence of the bounty hunter.

The necromancer yelled incoherently, disease and gore spilling forward as he made a futile attempt to fight again the stone beast. Kravitz shifted forward and smashed his massive fist against his own body, showering the room in rubble. The man’s wand and body snapped sickeningly within the cacophony of bricks as they flew every-which-way, shattering glass and furniture in their wake.

The old man gurgled, a pile of broken bones, and sneered with a wild look in his eyes. “Are you _angry_ that I surpassed you?” he yelled, “Is this punishment? You cannot kill me—!”

The preserved remains littering the ruined lab groaned and writhed. The mouths of the decapitated heads and fetal animals ripped open and boomed, “Ohh boy, it’s gonna be like this, innit?”

An illuminated quill and journal popped into existence, hovering eye-level of the golem despite the animated body’s lack there-of, and flipped autonomously between pages. “Gregory,” he started, “Or should I call you Greg?” The necromancer opened his mouth. Kravitz interrupted, “I’ll just go with Greg.”

He sighed deeply once more, massive body falling to its knees with a bang and hovering menacingly over the necromancer. “You were supposed to check-in _ten years ago!_ ” he continued. “We gave you a bit of a grace period after you didn’t show up the first time, y’know. Finish up unfinished business and all that,” the reaper’s club-like hand gestured to the rest of the room, “But then you go and do this!”

“I _was_ just taking care of unfinished business!” Gregory pleaded weakly, pale, “I just needed more _time—!_ ”

“Raven Queen begs to differ,” Kravitz retorted, scanning his book once more, “Says here you were supposed to have died _three times_ in that period. Should have made your peace while you still focused on illusionary magic, Greg.”

Gregory opened his mouth once more to beg, but another tinkling voice echoed across the room, light and airy, “Hey babe, Magnus accidentally drank out of the flagon that makes shit _really_ alcoholic.” There was a clank and a groan distantly. “I’m gonna look after him, d’you mind if we postpone until tomorrow?”

Kravitz scrambled and another golden light bathed the room, this time in the shape of a smooth stone on a chain. He cradled it in his massive fists, as if hiding it from his target laying prone and bemused. “Taako, please, I’m on the clock—”

“Can’t even take a minute to talk to your boyfriend, huh?” Taako teased, “I guess you won’t mind if I don’t make your favorite chocolate chunk cookies for our date then, huh?”

“N-now hold on a second,” the reaper stuttered, “I’m in the middle of something, I’ll call you back later, okay?”

“Whatever you say, bone daddy!”

The line went dead and an awkward silence was thick in the air, broken only by the weak, deathly coughs of the dying necromancer. “So,” he choked out, “Your boyfriend?”

His soul was swiftly and cleanly torn from his mangled remains. The animated stone crumbled unceremoniously as a tiny rift opened, vacuuming the two gleaming spirits into the astral plane.

“I didn’t think Death would have time for relationships,” Greg chuckled.

Kravitz fidgeted, glaring with big, bright, glowing eyes at the stockade drawbridge as he waved it down with a skeletal hand. “We are _not_ talking about this,” he croaked. He quickly shoved Gregory into the structure and scurried off to the privacy of his office.

His inbox was piled high with paperwork, as usual, but he ignored it (as usual) in favor of his modified stone of farspeech. Taako’s warm, lilting voice cast out, “Calm down, boo, you’re looking Skeletor as hell.”

He breathed in deeply, counted to five, and exhaled, features filling out. “Are you watching me?”

“ _That’s_ more like it,” Taako hummed dreamily into through the stone. There was another crash in the background and more yelling, but if it was a problem, he didn’t seem to mention it. “So are we good for tomorrow?”

Kravitz sighed fondly, “Only if you bring the cookies, Taakquito.”

**Author's Note:**

> So we've got Taako/Klarg and Taako/Avi going around so far, which I 100% dig and support, but no Taako/Kravitz around here yet. I'm here to fix that non-existent problem.


End file.
